Hi, everybody...so aah, I am Irish...I read a report saying that a man reach their sexual peak at the age of 18...but I didn't know this, until I was 25...so the world will never knew what a stud I was...nobody took a bite out of this peach when it was ripe...
大家好，我是爱尔兰人……我曾经读过一篇报道说一个男人在18岁的时候就有了性高潮，我竟然一直都不知道，直到25岁……所以全世界都不知道我有多性感，桃子熟了都没人咬一口……

I am not good at sports, but I love parallel parking...because unlike sports...whenever parallel parking, the worse you are...the more people they have rooting for you...
我不擅长运动，但是我喜欢平行停车……因为和运动不一样，不管什么时候你做平行停车，都是你停的越烂，越多人给你叫好。

parallel parking是美国考驾照路考的一个部分，意思是平行停车，就是让你把车停到平行的车的后面。

I am an immigrant...and I used to drive this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that impossible to peel it off...and one of them said ...if you don't speak english...go home...and I didn't know this for two years...
我是个移民，我曾经开着这辆贴了很多贴纸撕都撕不下来的二手车开了很久。其中一张贴纸写的是……如果你不会说英语，滚回家吧……我两年以后才知道写的是这个。

I tried really hard to become an US citizen, and I had to take this America history lessons...
where they ask us questions like... who's Benjamin Franklin...well, I like aah...the reason our convenience store gets robbed...what's the second amendment...well, I like aah...the reason our convenience store gets robbed...what's the row (Roe) vs Wade...like aah...two ways of coming to the united states...
我曾经很努力的想成为美国公民，为此我不得不去上美国历史课。课堂上他们问我，本杰明·富兰克林是谁？呃，我就说，这就是我们便利店被抢的原因……宪法第二修正案是什么……呃，这就是我们便利店被抢的原因……Roe vs. Wade是什么……我当时想……来美国的两种方法么？

这个笑话可能不太好理解，美国宪法第二修正案的内容是：管理良好的民兵是保障自由州的安全所必需的,人民持有和携带武器的权利不得侵犯。也就是保障了美国人持枪的自由，所以说是便利店被抢的原因。

那么为什么本杰明·富兰克林也是便利店被抢的原因呢？还记得电影《贫民窟的百万富翁》中，九道题的第五道题吗？一百美元的钞票上，印的是哪一位美国总统的肖像？答案就是本杰明·富兰克林，便利店被抢当然是为了钱啦。

Roe vs. Wade，罗伊诉韦德案在美国是一个影响深远的案件。众所周知美国每次总统大选都有一个话题会被拿出来讨论，就是堕胎。早先美国刑法规定，除了依照医嘱保障母亲的身体安全之外，所有的堕胎行为都属违法，1969年，一位化名简·罗伊（Jane Roe）的妇女向德克萨斯州刑法提出了挑战，而韦德是审理这个案子的法官。联邦最高法院在此案中首次认可了堕胎权，这个案子对美国的司法影响深远。而这段话中，笑料在于Roe和row同音，row有划船的意思，wade有涉水的意思，所以说是来美国的两种方法，也许其中还隐含了有偷渡的含义。

I have a family now, but I used to be really scared of marriage... I was like...wow...50% of all marriages end up lasting for ever...
我现在成家了，不过我曾经很害怕结婚，我那会在想，哇哦，有一半的婚姻竟然以长相厮守到永远作为结局……

I just had my first child last year... and aah...I was really amazed by it...you know...I was at the delivery room...holding on my son...thinking to myself...wow...he was just born...and he is already US citizen...so I said to him...ah...do you even know who's Benjamin Franklin...
去年我刚有了第一个孩子，我真的很惊喜，我在产房，抱着我的儿子，脑子里想，哇哦，他才刚出生，就已经是美国公民了……所以我对他说……喂，你已经知道本杰明·弗兰克林是谁了么……

Now I have a sign on my car...it says...ah...baby on board...this sign is basically a threat...it just says I have a screaming baby and a nagging wife...and I am not afraid of dying anymore...
现在我的车上有个标记，写的是车里有个孩子，这个标记基本上就是一威胁——意思是，我有一个哭闹的孩子和一个唠叨的老婆——我再也不怕死了……

脱口秀文本为沪江小编根据网络文本校对整理，沪江小编翻译，仅供参考。